the literary life 4/1/11
1) The tighter your jeans, the more spiritual you are likely to be...
2) Lavender-blueberry flavored dark chocolate can be a pivotal conversation piece at a bus stop.
3) Erika is a good name if you want to become a poet. But not if you're ethnically white.
4) If you feel like flirting, write a ghazal on your kneecap.
5) Psychics who listen to Bon Jovi are more accurate than psychics who quote Gandhi.
6) It's cliche to say it's a cliche to fall in love in Paris.
7) If you buy yourself roses once a year, you will look better in purple t-shirts.
8) The neck, if squeezed, is a soporific body part.
9) Women who wear yellow once or more a week have a higher tolerance for ambiguity.
10) A poet is a person who stirs words inside a tulip bud.
11) People who don't laugh at least once an hour make terrible cooks.
12) Buy lamps that reflect your personality. All other decorations are inconsequential.
13) Reading some prose fiction aloud to your plants will make you less sycophantic.
14) When people say "bless you", say, "That wasn't a sneeze."
15) Before talking to God, have a breath mint.
16) The whiter your teeth the darker your mind.
17) Answer your cellphone by quoting Shakespeare. If the caller laughs, propose. If there's an awkward pause, quote Howard Stern.
18) Judge people who judge you for drinking coffee. Tell them you plan to name your future son Espresso--your future daughter, Latte.
19) Listen more frequently to The Smiths, and plagiarize one of their key pieces of advice: "If you must write prose and poems, the words you use should be your own...don't plagiarize or take on loan..."
20) No blueberry or strawberry syrup on pancakes once you're over the age of seven unless you have a wart on your face.
21) Try to juggle words, yaar, from different languages in the same sentence or joomla, oui?
22) Don't prank call anyone on Thursdays. It's bad karma. Instead, live vicariously through youtube recordings of other people making prank calls.